Life - The Sound of Worship

          Our church has started a series of services where people in the church choose a song that ties into their life, and then give a brief testimony. This had me thinking this Sunday about what our testimony would be over the last few years.

          It was a struggle, for sure. And still is. When we first started trying to conceive we figured it may take a couple months for the birth control to wear off, etc. After each month, it moved further and further into the front of our minds that there was something wrong.  I think we tried not to talk about it too much, maybe just hoping if we didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't be  true.

          I think the hardest moment for me came one day when I was at work and I got a text from Jocelyn. Or Miss Beautiful, as she's labeled in my phone. Up until that point, it had been relatively easy for me to submit to the idea that whether we got pregnant or not, God was in control and would work it for our good. I had always been like that. Things never got me down. I think the longest I was ever depressed was when mom and dad threatened to send us all to public school. I was over it within a day. But that's another story. It's just how I was, I easily accepted the fact that whatever happened was God's plan for my life.

          So when the text came that day it hit me that this was a struggle that Jocelyn and I had to deal with together. I couldn't just keep saying "God's in control" and expect her feelings and fears and doubts to just disappear. It was the first time my heart really broke for her since we had started trying. The text said "Do you think God doesn't want us to have kids because He thinks I will be a bad mom?" My heart immediately just ached for her. And I'm sure there had been hundreds of times before that when she had shone me how much this situation was hurting her, but it wasn't until this moment that it really took hold. You know, us guys, it takes a while for us to get stuff sometimes. And even now I still don't catch on all that quick when something happens that hurts her, but I am getting better! Slowly haha.

          Each time that pregnancy test is negative, each time she sees someone's maternity pictures, it all builds up and makes each day harder. Together we go through each day, waiting for when we can bring home a child of our own. Every time we see or hear that someone else is pregnant, it's just another tug at our hearts. Maybe not so much of jealousy but rather sadness that it isn't going to happen for us. It's not our best life now, this life is filled with struggles and attacks by the enemy. No, our best life will be in heaven, that is where our hope is. But we still trust that God is faithful. We still pray for the miracle of biological children, but even if He doesn't do it, our hope is still in Him. We will continue to believe that He is a good Father, because we know it's true. We believe in Him because of His resume. We trust in Him because of what He has already done and trust in Him for what He has promised to do in the future. We WILL bless His name. We WILL continue to praise Him. No matter how hard it gets, we have chosen to be faithful to our Father. It is not always a feeling, it's a choice we make.

John 6:68
Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom will we go? You have the words of eternal life."

I think the song that defines us at this moment is Even If by Mercyme.

"I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if You'd just say the word. But even if You don't, my hope is You alone."

- Ricky

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